The Meaning of Marriage and Singleness

The following is the epilogue from Barry Danylak's excellent book Redeeming Singleness: How the Storyline of Scripture Affirms the Single Life. Here he summarizes the practical conclusions from his detailed discussion of the biblical texts.

"Christianity is distinctive from its monotheistic sibling faiths of Judaism, Islam, and Mormonism in its affirmation of singleness. While on the one hand Christianity, like the others, affirms a high view of marriage and family and a high sexual ethic, understanding sexual relations as something designed by God for and within marital union, it differs from the others in distinctly affirming both singleness and marriage as something good within the new family of God. The reason for this difference has its roots in what makes Christianity fundamentally different from its sibling faiths, namely, its affirmation that Jesus Christ has come in human history as God’s offspring and that through him come all the blessings of the new covenant.

Jesus Christ is the fulfillment of the promised seed of Abraham, and in him are Abraham’s true offspring, heirs of the eternal inheritance promised by God. Since all the blessings of the new covenant are realized through our reconciliation to God through Christ, marriage is no longer a fundamental marker of covenantal blessing as it was in the covenant of Sinai. Singleness lived to the glory of God and the furtherance of his kingdom testifies to the complete sufficiency of Christ for all things. The Christian is fully blessed in Christ, whether he or she is married or single, rich or poor, in comfort or duress. The distinctive calling of singleness within the church testifies to this truth. 

Paul distinguishes the spiritual gift or charisma of singleness by three elements. First, it is characterized by one who, by the grace of God, lives a continent life apart from marriage, that is, above reproach in the sexual arena. Second, it is distinguished as a life free from the distractions of a spouse and children, a life characterized by freedom and simplicity, which testifies to the complete sufficiency of Christ. Third, it is a life enabled for constant service to the King and the kingdom. It emulates the model of the eunuch who is ready and waiting to serve the king whenever and however he is called.

The macro-trend in Western society indicates that the institution of marriage is in steady decline. This largely reflects the continued waning influence of Judeo-Christian presuppositions in the wider public sphere, i.e., the fundamental presumption that marriage between a man and a woman is something good and to be cherished. From the limited data I have examined from the ancient world, the macro trend of the West is moving much closer to approximating the marriage and sexual behavior patterns of pagan Roman culture—patterns characterized by a wider variety of living arrangements and a dissociation between marriage and the locus of one’s sexual behavior. Thus, the distinctively biblical-Christian view of singleness and marriage needs to be articulated again to an increasingly pagan wider world. 

This re-articulation should draw people to the positive vision the Christian Scriptures provide for both marriage and singleness as well as for human sexuality: Christian marriage is a testimony of the utterly faithful and unchanging love of God for his people in a permanent covenant relationship with him;1 Christian singleness is a testimony to the complete sufficiency of Christ for the present age and gives visible witness to the hope of our eternal inheritance yet to come; and Christian sexuality is an expression of the exclusive unity and oneness in the bond of the marriage relationship. 

Within the church this message is also in need of fresh articulation. Our youth are subject to an endless barrage of confusing messages concerning relationships and sexuality. Our culture idolizes the never-satiated lusts for sexual intimacy and the trappings of material comforts. To this end the Christian church needs to be intentional in teaching the biblical vision for both Christian singleness and Christian marriage. This entails not “Christianizing” the pervasive relational and material lusts of our culture into a preoccupation with building perfect families and exquisite homes. What is needed is a vision for promoting lifestyles in accordance with the fundamental tenets of the gospel, that the kingdom of God is at hand and that consummate satisfaction is to be found ultimately only in being reconciled to our God in Jesus Christ.
In accordance with this, the church should encourage all those who can to receive the challenge of both Jesus and Paul to remain single and free for the kingdom of God as a visible testimony of Christ’s sufficiency in the present age and the true inheritance yet to come. Similarly, the church should again articulate within its ranks Paul’s admonition that the choice to remain single is not independent of one’s sexual behavior. Sexual union was ordained by God to be a physical expression of marital union, and the two go together necessarily and exclusively. Christian marriage is thus a holy and blessed alternative to Christian singleness, testifying to the exalted covenantal union of God with his people and modeled after the relational intimacy of that union. 

The excessive value the Western world has placed on individualism fosters a psychological tendency to associate singleness with living alone. This is a tendency the church should resist. Christian singleness is not a denial of the underlying principle of Genesis 2:18, that it is not good to be alone. Neither Jesus nor Paul as single men was devoid of relationships. On the contrary, their relationships flourished in both number and depth by the freedom and flexibility their singleness afforded them. 

There are many possible living arrangements for single Christians. As a single adult, I have lived alone in a house, with roommates, as part of a community of singles, as part of another Christian household, and with elderly parents. Of all these arrangements, living alone was least satisfying for my personal and spiritual welfare. The flexibility and simplicity of singleness can be a strategic asset for building quality and substantive relationships within the family of God—living arrangements are an opportunity to leverage this asset. 

Like Christian marriage, Christian singleness lived in its fullest expression is a powerful testimony to the gospel. In the unchanging commitment of love and submission expressed between husband and wife, Christian marriage testifies to God’s faithful covenantal love toward his people and their submission and reception to his sovereign love. Christian singleness is a testimony to the supreme sufficiency of Christ for all things, testifying that through Christ life is fully blessed even without marriage and children. It prophetically points to a reality greater than the satisfactions of this present age by consciously anticipating the Christian’s eternal inheritance in the kingdom of God. Christian singleness lived as testimony of this gospel truth is a redeeming singleness.

--Barry Danylak, Redeeming Singleness: How the Storyline of Scripture Affirms the Single Life 

A Quieter and More Lasting Kind of Interest

“People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change—not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the RAF and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means. In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of their first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest. What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and becomes a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.” 
C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Dude, Where's Your Bride

Must read article by Kevin DeYoung.

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2011/11/03/dude-wheres-your-bride/

Falling Out of Like

"I can guarantee that, whoever you marry, you will fall “out of like” with them. Powerful feelings of affection and delight will not and cannot be sustained. It is quite typical to lose the head-over-heals feelings for your mate even before you get married, because our emotions are tied to so many things within our physiology, psychology, and environment. Your feelings will ebb and flow, and if you follow our culture’s definition of “love,” you may conclude that this can’t be a person you should marry [or stay married to]...

When we first are attracted to someone, we think, “I want it to stay like this! I don’t want to lose this passion.” But as we have said, that ego rush cannot be sustained and cannot take you very far down the road of learning to love the person you really married. To use Lewis’s metaphor, you must let this more immature incarnation of your love “die” if it is to rise again and live. You must stick to your commitment to act and serve in love even when—no, especially when—you don’t feel much delight and attraction to your spouse. And the more you do that, slowly but surely, you will find your more ego-heavy attraction being transformed into a love that is more characterized by a humble, amazed reception and appreciation of the other person. The love you will grow into will be wiser, richer, deeper, less variable.
Sadly, many people never let this happen, because they have accepted the culture’s definition of marriage, and when the thrill wears off, they feel it is time for a change. This view of things leaves married people very vulnerable to affairs, since it is quite natural that you will meet others who are attractive and who will hold out the promise of getting the thrill back that was there in the beginning of your relationship with your spouse."

--Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

True Love

"What you think of as being head over heals in love is in large part a gust of ego gratification, but it’s nothing like the profound satisfaction of being known and loved.

When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us our of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.

The kind of love life I am talking about is not devoid of passion, but it’s not the same kind of passion that is there during the days of naiveté. When Kathy first held my hand, it was an almost electrical thrill. Thirty-seven years later, you don’t get the same buzz out of holding your wife’s hand that you did the first time. But as I look back on that initial sensation, I realize that it came not so much from the magnitude of my love for her but from the flattery of her choice of me. In the beginning it goes to your head, and there is some love in that, but there are a lot of other things, too. There is no comparison between that and what it means to hold Kathy’s hand now, after all we’ve been through. We know each other thoroughly now; we have shared innumerable burdens, we have repented, forgiven, and been reconciled to each other over and over. There is certainly passion. But the passion we share now differs from the thrill we had then like a noisy but shallow brook differs from a quieter but much deeper river. Passion may lead you to make a wedding promise, but then that promise over the years makes the passion richer and deeper."

Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage