Indie Music: Stuff White People Like

"If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream” and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences. Fortunately, they have independent music.

A white person’s iPod (formerly CD collection) is not merely an assemblage of music that they enjoy. It is what defines them as a person. They are always on the lookout for the latest hot band that no one has heard of, so that one day they can hit it just right and be into a band before it is featured in an Apple commercial. To a white person, being a fan of a band before it gets popular is one of the most important things they can do with their life. They can hold it over their friends forever! 

 

...WARNING: Indie music is perhaps the most dangerous subject you can discuss with white people. One false move and you will lose their respect and admiration forever. Here are some general rules:

• Bands that have had their songs in an Apple ad are still marginally acceptable.
• Bands that have had their songs in ads for other companies are not acceptable.
• If you mention a band you like and the other person has heard of it, you lose. They own you. It is essential that you like the most obscure music possible.

Remember, popular artists can turn unpopular in a heartbeat (Ryan Adams, Bright Eyes, the Strokes), so you would be best to stick to the following statements: “I love Arcade Fire” “I still think the Montreal scene is the best in the world” “I would die without Stereogum or Fluxblog”*1; and “Joanna Newsom is maybe the most original artist today.”

Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions 

Stuff White People Like: Religions Their Parents Don't Belong To

"White people will often say they are “spiritual” but not religious. This usually means that they will believe in any religion that doesn’t involve Jesus. The most popular choices include Buddhism, Hinduism, Kabbalah, and, to a lesser extent, Scientology. A few even dip into Islam, but that’s much rarer, since you have to make real sacrifices and actually go to a mosque.

For the most part, white people prefer religions that produce artifacts and furniture that fit into their home or wardrobe. They are also particularly drawn to religions that do not require a lot of commitment or donations. When a white person tells you “I’m a Buddhist/Hindu/Kabbalahist,” the best thing to do is ask how they arrived at their religious decision. The story will likely involve a trip to Thailand or a college class on religion."

--Christian Lander,  Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions 

Stuff White People Like: Organic Food

Humorous satire from Christian Lander. Note: "white people" is code for "hipster."

"Because of the balance of global wealth and power, there is a general assumption that white people are pretty shrewd. And for the most part, history has proven this to be true. But white people have one great weakness: organic food.

Just as with farmer’s markets, white people believe that organic food is grown by farmers who wear overalls, drive tractors, and don’t use pesticides. In spite of the fact that most organic food is made by major agribusiness, which just uses it as an excuse to jack up prices, white people will always lose their mind for organic anything. Never mind the fact that if the entire world were to switch to 100 percent organic food tomorrow there would be mass starvation and famine.

White people don’t care about this. As long as they aren’t eating pesticides, they are pretty sure they can live forever. It’s almost guaranteed that if some Colombian drug lord can start offering “organic” cocaine, he’ll be the richest guy ever."

--Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions